RNC News: John McCain’s convention speech, first draft

Ah, good ol’ Harold. You remember Harold, right? Sure you do. He’s still out there, doing what he does best: chasing skirt and consuming alcohol faster than an ethanol-converted Hummer. But he’s nothing if not timely. Into the RNC Headquarters he stumbles, rifles through a desk or two and comes out with an early draft of Sen. John McCain’s (the fella under Dubya’s arm there) acceptance speech, or part of it anyway. You saw it here first, folks. Enjoy that convention. Or, at least all the pandering during a potential Gustav-caused tragedy that might be go down in New Orleans in its stead.

An early draft of Sen. John McCain’s convention acceptance speech:

My friends, for too long our nation has been held hostage by hostile, oil rich nations preying on our insatiable thirst for that viscous black gold that powers not only our automobiles, but the very engine of our economy.  As a nation, we’ve painted ourselves into a proverbial energy corner through decades of inaction, and now the Chavezes and Ahmadinejads of the world have us by the shorthairs.  Our once great country has been reduced to begging these dictators for more and more oil, like a heroin junkie pleading with his dealer for one more fix.

My friends, an America beholden to the whims of oil-hoarding towelheads is not the America I fought for, and it’s certainly not the America my fallen comrades gave their lives for. This nation was built on the hard work, ingenuity and independence of generations of freedom-loving people.  We must again tap those most American of qualities—qualities that reside in each of us—and make this country the great beacon of hope and advancement it was always meant to be.

To that end, I am here today to unveil my plan for finally attaining the energy independence this country needs.  While my opponent offers little more than half-baked ideas on the subject, I have a concrete plan that will have us sucking the teat of the OPEC countries no more.  If—like some spliff-smoking Dutchman—you want to depend on windmills to end our oil addiction, than vote for my opponent.  But if instead you want a real energy solution, I have your answer.

My friends, my plan is as simple as it is elegant. I propose we harness the most ubiquitous, renewable force known to nature. The same force that brought that apple down on Newton’s head is the very force that can lift us up to an energy independent future. My friends, that force is gravity.

Imagine a world where everything is downhill of everything else, a world where gravity—clean, dependable, renewable gravity—accomplishes what only oil can now.  Going to work? Simply get in your car and coast there. Running the kids to soccer practice? Coast there.  Christmas at the in-laws?  Head downhill and coast there.  Friends, our flat infrastructure has made us slaves to oil, and my downhill plan will set us free.

Now, my opponent speaks of downhill, but in an entirely different vein. He’s quick to remind us our economy is going “downhill”.  The incumbent party’s approval rating, he assures us, is rapidly going “downhill”.  A vote for me, he insists, will merely continue the nation’s “downhill” trajectory.  Friends, at this critical juncture in our country’s history, do we really want a Debbie Downer in the highest office of the land?  I say downhill can be our path upward.

Imagine never needing to put anything in your car besides air in your tires.  Own an SUV? Friends, my opponent would have you trade it in for a go-cart. With my plan, that four ton vehicle assures you’ll get to your destination in half the time.  My opponent envisions an America that has us commuting with Big Wheels; I envision an America coasting in domestically produced Hummers.  And with my plan, energy independence only begins with transportation.

Friends, what is the single biggest source of untapped energy available to us?  My opponent would have you believe it lies with the sun or wind, or as I like to call them, “hot air and bluster.”  Imagine, instead, the energy we could sequester from a fleet of some 200 million cars feverishly braking as they reach their downhill destinations. That technology exists today, friends, and the potential for energy production boggles the mind.

In this new America, energy will be as plentiful as the clean air we’ll breathe. We’ll be able to heat and cool our homes, power our computers and televisions, and operate our factories all without releasing a single greenhouse gas or sending a single greenback to freedom-hating, oil-peddling nations.  At long last energy independence, this great nation’s birthright, will be a reality.

And friends, my plan will create millions of new jobs for hard-working Americans.  Imagine golf courses lit up 24 hours a day, requiring second and third shifts at pro shops across this great country, creating good white-collar jobs as a result.  Energy rationing will be a thing of the past.  No longer will children suffer their father’s ire for keeping the refrigerator door open too long.  Granny-killing blackouts on hot summer days will be little more than historical footnotes of a more barbaric time.

Friends, change of this magnitude does not happen without roiling the Washington status quo. The lobbyists that have so heavily padded my opponent’s campaign war chest will not simply acquiesce to the new energy paradigm. Already my opponent is attacking my plan, complaining that “only an idiot would suggest that everything can be downhill of everything else.”

But friends, my opponent fails to appreciate what I have always admired about this great land: that even an idiot can rise to the top and see his plan through to fruition, no matter the facts or laws of nature.  My opponent talks of hope and change, but he offers no more than hollow words.  My campaign brings a new, downhill topography to Washington. Friends, join me as we coast to an energy-independent tomorrow.

Thank you and God bless.

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