Kid, let me fill you in something: this whole Santa thing is a bunch of BS. Think about it. How the hell is that fat man going to squeeze down a frickin’ chimney? Right. Flying reindeer? If you believe that one you’re dumber than you look. The whole thing is a huge scam.
You think that’s how life works? You want something and a man in a red suit brings it to you. Maybe if you’re Paris Hilton. Maybe if you’re Paris Hilton and what you want is to be boned in front of a Web cam for all the world to see, and the red suit is cinnamon-flavored condom. But you can forget about that, especially with your body type.
You think Santa gives a crap about you anyway? He’s as pissed off as they come. You think that suit doesn’t itch? And those elves, you think they like working in that sweatshop of his? They’ll be replaced by Malaysians soon enough. Santa invented globalization, and now it’s biting him in the ass. How’s that for irony?
Look, the sooner you accept this stuff the better off you’ll be. You don’t want to be the last asshole in your class thinking this crap is for real. Give me a break. It’s worse than that Jesus stuff. At least he had some wise shit to say. Not this stupid “Ho ho ho” nonsense.
I’ll tell you what, that crying is going to get you absolutely nowhere. My ex-wife used to pull that stunt, and look where it got her. Bent over in front of that dick Gerald, that’s where. That asshole can have her fat ass as far as I’m concerned. Good riddance. Like banging Mrs. Claus, only without the cheery disposition.
It’s for your own good, kid. When I was your age I swallowed this Santa crap hook, line and sinker. I was such an asshole. “Oh, yeah, I’ll be good. Santa is watching and he’s not going to bring me a kite otherwise.” What a load of shit. More like if I’m good maybe my mom’s boyfriend won’t beat the shit out of me in a drunken rage. And then try to make up for it with fuckin’ used catcher’s mitt. Thanks a lot asshole.
You know what, you should go up there and ask that fat ass why he gets off on having little kids sit on his lap. Ask him that. All those elves? It’s like he can’t be around real adults. Sick fucker. Wearing white gloves like Michael Jackson. “Hey kids, want to touch my North pole?” What a freak.
Yeah, yeah, go cry to your mommy. Typical. She’s the one lying to you, you stupid shit. Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, eternal life. How about this: Penelope Cruz is going to walk around that corner and suck me six ways to Wednesday. You believe that? Christ.
See? I knew it. That bitch mom of yours is running to the rent-a-cop. Another asshole in a stupid costume. What, you couldn’t make it in tollbooth school? What a loser. He better have a piece on ‘em if he’s coming over here. I’ll show him some holiday spirit. Stick around kid. I’ll teach you something useful.